Jumbled

Wow. It's incredible the things you don't remember about yourself sometimes as you get older. I was just looking through the old blog I used to keep at xanga.com/melllisssima. I used to write about the most pointless of pointless things. Mixed in with some point-ful things ~ such as the day my husband first found me there, on September 8, 2006.

Back then I wrote a lot about stress, school, funny things with friends, and weird things that somehow came to my mind while I was bored. I had so much fun with it though.

This current blog definitely has less of that feeling to me. And I don't post to it as often as I did with my old one. I don't seem to CARE as much. Am I less inspired by things? Are new ideas and concepts that much farther in between now?

Sometimes I feel I've become more cynical about things. I'm not sure of the cause. What if it's Facebook? I read a status posted by Chris Maier there that really made me think. He asked:

"is there more or less emotional responses to be experienced now that a large amount of time is spent communicating through technology. Let's say we were talking in person and different things like body language......, atmosphere, surroundings, etc. subconsciously factor into that experience of conversing. In a text or email, the only thing that exists is the text and what we try to read into it. Will there be less options for us to react by due to this simplification of our communication?"

I definitely think this media and other technologies has slowly been taking over something within our souls lately. It's become so all-consuming and "necessary" for communication. But it's cheap communication. As Chris mentioned, while in a group with folks when a question is posed, someone instantly will whip out a smart phone and locate the definite answer right away - leaving no room for a healthy, human discussion on the matter.

What have we done to ourselves?

I believe I'm being affected by it too. Not via smartphone, as I refuse to be THAT connected as the person with their face in a tiny screen all the time. If I'm seeing you in person, I don't want to see your face being illuminated by the deathly glow of a device. If I could ever have a large group party at my future home one day, I would have a basket as people come in that says "drop your device here, or go outside to use it" ha.
 
Perhaps I need to feel more loneliness. In the past I have often taken to writing when I felt alone. I was still writing online where others may see it, but I wasn't surrounded by hundreds of other folks doing the same in a briefly thought-out statement about what they were feeling at any particular time. I take too much of my empty time to be online: checking up on other people and trying to maintain certain (shallow) relationships through the Facebook medium.

How do you keep up with a lot of relationships at once though? Facebook makes that so easy. I've struggled with relationships in general a little lately though. I've written about how friends moving on to other life stages beyond the one I'm in has taken a toll on how closely I can relate to them anymore. It has become very shallow trying to be everyone's friend, too. I've lived in Chattanooga for nearly 4 years now. If you asked me who my "best" friend is (other than my husband) I couldn't tell you. 

When I think of a best friend I think of someone who calls you out of the blue just to talk about nothing, or to ask if we can get together one on one. Who will drive 30 minutes to your place to hang out with you on a regular basis without complaining about the drive. I don't have a best friend anymore, but I used to. Erin McGuire was my best friend through college. I really miss being in her town sometimes.

Maybe I shouldn't worry about relationships so much. Maybe it's okay to only have shallow relationships with people; that I'm just not accustomed to it as I've always had either a best friend or a sister actually present to share things with.

This post feels really jumbled to me. I think it's an indication of how I feel about it all.