Today isn't a great day, so I'm writing because I'm upset. My worries about financial situations came around again and so I felt the need to go out and find something. I stopped by my apartment office to see if they needed anyone part time. They didn't. I considered Hobby Lobby as I went by there for some small materials, at the same time couldn't pull myself to take on something I felt was way beneath my potential.
I went by Target to use a gift card my mom gave me for a few groceries. She probably intended for me to use it for clothing or something "nice" just for myself. I bought a loaf of bread, cheese, milk and applesauce. I also ran into Lora Pierce in line, with her 2 girls. "Buying yourself some lunch?" she asked. I said "Yeah" but not really lunch, more like provisions for the week. I felt stupid. I paid with the gift card and came home.
I put my projects I'd been working on earlier away and sat down at my desk and called ArtCreations, the art store I've been trying to get a part time job with at their new location since April. I asked for the manager, but had to leave a message. Annoyed, I shared some frustrations with my sister through email. She gave me a rant about not being mature and having a steady job whether I like it or not, especially considering that Jon and I will be planning a wedding in the near future. As she usually does, she quoted Ferris Bueller's Day Off with "Between grief and nothing, I'll take grief." She said she was getting frustrated with my being frustrated at not finding something more supportive, and went off on me, about me not wanting to work part time or give up all the things I've worked for to make my own business successful. She said getting into a marriage means thinking more about the other person than myself, and that I was doing us a misfortune by sticking to what I'm comfortable with in terms of income for the both of us, and that it should be equivalent efforts.
I do agree that I'm being selfish by not wanting to give in to something seemingly less desirable than me working for myself and making good money at it, IF I could even do that. Before I read that email she sent, I did more job searching and found an open position for a graphic designer at True North Publishing which is actually the company I'd wanted to get on with over a year ago when I was looking and before I left Noble. I applied for it via email. Their listing says they don't accept phone calls, but I called and the receptionist said just to apply and wait to hear anything further.
I got really excited as I read their description about their fun working environment, great benefits plans, full medical, 401k and all that jazz.. so I told Mandy about it and she acted like she was still frustrated with me and said she didn't want to talk anymore. This frustrated me greatly. Greatly meaning to tears. And the thought of this opportunity not working out (as all the others so far had not) and us trying to start a marriage on almost nothing made them continue to pour.
I don't know a good way to end this, but I think I'll just hope and pray to get this job for now, and can you pray for me to get it? I'm willing to give up my "free"lancing, to put all my efforts of late on the side burner, and to have less free time...in order to stabilize and provide for us.
yes! good job! you're being an adult. i prayed for you both over dinner today and really concentrated on the hope that you both find your way in all this. i didn't want to talk to you anymore then because nothing was changing and i felt futile as an advice giver. that is frustrating! when you make a revelation post, it's like you half confirm understanding. DOING something is the other half. i had to "go off" on you (your term) in order to tough-love it out on you to help you see your correct path! i hope you continue to. i'm still your ever loving sister, and all i really want for you is happiness. rooney said it best, after all... grief is better than nothing!!
ReplyDeletePlease call.
ReplyDeleteI understand your frustrations, as a marketing major I've tried to do many things as this, and working for myself isn't for me, but I still thought it was worth a shot. Don't be disappointed in your fervor and effort, and atleast you tried. God will provide for you guys, and will provide you with work, stay open and confident to opportunities, but keep humble in spirit because that is what will make it or break it! You're a doll, and I'm still excited and proud, you have a website that has a lot of potential, whenever that time may be!!!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I understand the rottenness of needing more income and yet not wanting to sell out to the corporate "American dream" just to be able to buy the things you don't really need. You and I both know our time is the most valuable thing we have, and if it is all going down the drain and draining us the process, life begins to feel like a waste.
ReplyDeleteThere is certainly no right answer because God's plan looks different for each person. I have an interview tomorrow and I'm thankful none of the other places (very "below my standards" if I'm honest) called me back. But whether I get it or not, I have to keep my joy because God has never failed me yet, and I know He's got a plan even if His chief concern is growing my character from the inside out rather than growing my bank account or my resume. Requires patience. Grows patience.
Pray for this interview! I'll be praying for you and this job opportunity.
Remember, life is exciting now even in its uncertainty. Someday even if we are full-blown doing our things, we'll probably look back on the good old days and envy the time of exciting possibilities and change. :)